I am more than just a facebook profile, and so are you

Hi. My name is Jason. Jason Bond. I was born yesterday. Funny that I already have a Facebook profile, right? Yeah, I think so too. But I was told (not very long, that’s cause I was born just yesterday) that this is the world. I don’t have a passport, birth certificate, social security number, resident card or any of that crap. My sole identity is my Facebook account. Do I have friends? Oh no, not yet, I’m just a day old. My only friends are Mr and Mrs Bond (I haven’t met them, they seem to be in my “friends” list on Facebook). I talked to them today (using Facebook chat). They taught me how to make more friends. It’s really simple. I just need to “add” them. If they wanna be friends with me, they will accept my “friendship”.

There’s nothing that I have. Just this thing which allows me to access something called facebook.com (they said it’s a website. I asked them what a website was. They said Facebook was a website. They also said that back in the day, there were other websites, billions of them. But they gradually became extinct. Facebook killed them all. So now Facebook is a website and a website is Facebook).

I’m gonna make some friends now. There’s more I can do here on Facebook than just make friends. It says here that I can upload pics. But I dunno what pics I should upload. What if I just don’t wanna upload pics? (these questions are all answered by the Facebook bot, wow, he sure as hell must be a smart guy). “No, you have to upload pics. It’s a rule that every on Facebook follows. Since everyone who is on Facebook follows it, it means that EVERYONE uploads pics.” Is there anyone who doesnt’s upload pics? “No, everyone is on Facebook. There is no one who is not on Facebook. Facebook is the universe and therefore everyone uploads pics.”

Ok, so now I gotta take pics and then upload them so that I can be a law-abiding Facebook citizen. Ummm, let me see. There, that thing over there, which I take a crap in, I’ll take a pic of that. Done. I’ve uploaded it. Oh wait, the bot is telling me I have to upload more pics. Now what pics should I upload? My diapers. Yeah, my diapers are important to me, so I’ll take pics of my diapers. There, I’ve uploaded them too.

The bot is telling me that this is not enough. Apart from uploading pics, I have to do other things too. I gotta “talk” to my friends. Wait, what do you mean by “talk”? The bot tells me that by I can “talk” by writing stuff on my friends’ “walls”. Ok. Done, I just wrote something on this guy’s “wall.” But why do they call it “wall”? That big concrete thing over there, isn’t that a wall?

There’s these noises that I can make. No, not the ones that I make when I fart or take a crap. These noises that emanate from my mouth. Can my “friends” make these noises too (no, not the fart noises, I’m pretty sure they can make those)? Wouldn’t it be simpler to communicate by making these noises? I mean, hey, there must be a reason I can make these noises. I even seem to have weirdass outgrowths on the sides of my head that seem to pick up these noises. Yes, there’s surely a purpose to be fulfilled by making these noises. But what purpose? The bot says that making these noises that come outta my mouth is an exercise in stupidity and there is no purpose fulfilled by it.

No, writing on walls is not all that I gotta do. I also gotta write “notes”. What do I write about? The bot tells me not to worry. I’m gonna get “tagged” in someone’s “note” and then that I gotta read that “note” to learn how to write a “note.” Oh lookie, someone’s tagged me. This “note” calls itself “100 things”. There are questions here, about a hundred questions. I gotta copy these questions and answer them and publish it as a note. Can I swap this and do something else? “No” says the bot. “This is law. You are not above the law. Get your ass down to doing this note. NOW!!!!”

Hey, I’m bored now. I just finished that note (not a very interesting thing to do). I wanna entertain myself. “Worry not” says the bot. “You can play some games to entertain yourself”. How do I play games? There’s that old dusty pic of this bunch of guys on the wall (the real wall, the one that’s made of bricks and shit, not the one on facebook). They look happy. I think they are entertaining themselves by kicking that round thing around. Seems interesting. Can I play that game? “Yes, you can. Just search for an “application” called “football” in the Facebook search bar, and add it and then use your keyboard to run and kick that round thing around” says the bot. No, Mr Bot, can I actually kick that round thing around? The bot says, “You most certainly cannot. It’s blasphemous. If you wanna entertain yourself, use these “applications”. Here’s a link, this will take you someplace that lists all the entertainment “applications”.”

I’m getting annoyed now. No, this is not what I wanna do. THIS IS MADNESS!!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!