There’s nothing that I have. Just this thing which allows me to access something called facebook.com (they said it’s a website. I asked them what a website was. They said Facebook was a website. They also said that back in the day, there were other websites, billions of them. But they gradually became extinct. Facebook killed them all. So now Facebook is a website and a website is Facebook).

I’m gonna make some friends now. There’s more I can do here on Facebook than just make friends. It says here that I can upload pics. But I dunno what pics I should upload. What if I just don’t wanna upload pics? (these questions are all answered by the Facebook bot, wow, he sure as hell must be a smart guy). “No, you have to upload pics. It’s a rule that every on Facebook follows. Since everyone who is on Facebook follows it, it means that EVERYONE uploads pics.” Is there anyone who doesnt’s upload pics? “No, everyone is on Facebook. There is no one who is not on Facebook. Facebook is the universe and therefore everyone uploads pics.”

Ok, so now I gotta take pics and then upload them so that I can be a law-abiding Facebook citizen. Ummm, let me see. There, that thing over there, which I take a crap in, I’ll take a pic of that. Done. I’ve uploaded it. Oh wait, the bot is telling me I have to upload more pics. Now what pics should I upload? My diapers. Yeah, my diapers are important to me, so I’ll take pics of my diapers. There, I’ve uploaded them too.

The bot is telling me that this is not enough. Apart from uploading pics, I have to do other things too. I gotta “talk” to my friends. Wait, what do you mean by “talk”? The bot tells me that by I can “talk” by writing stuff on my friends’ “walls”. Ok. Done, I just wrote something on this guy’s “wall.” But why do they call it “wall”? That big concrete thing over there, isn’t that a wall?

There’s these noises that I can make. No, not the ones that I make when I fart or take a crap. These noises that emanate from my mouth. Can my “friends” make these noises too (no, not the fart noises, I’m pretty sure they can make those)? Wouldn’t it be simpler to communicate by making these noises? I mean, hey, there must be a reason I can make these noises. I even seem to have weirdass outgrowths on the sides of my head that seem to pick up these noises. Yes, there’s surely a purpose to be fulfilled by making these noises. But what purpose? The bot says that making these noises that come outta my mouth is an exercise in stupidity and there is no purpose fulfilled by it.

No, writing on walls is not all that I gotta do. I also gotta write “notes”. What do I write about? The bot tells me not to worry. I’m gonna get “tagged” in someone’s “note” and then that I gotta read that “note” to learn how to write a “note.” Oh lookie, someone’s tagged me. This “note” calls itself “100 things”. There are questions here, about a hundred questions. I gotta copy these questions and answer them and publish it as a note. Can I swap this and do something else? “No” says the bot. “This is law. You are not above the law. Get your ass down to doing this note. NOW!!!!”

Hey, I’m bored now. I just finished that note (not a very interesting thing to do). I wanna entertain myself. “Worry not” says the bot. “You can play some games to entertain yourself”. How do I play games? There’s that old dusty pic of this bunch of guys on the wall (the real wall, the one that’s made of bricks and shit, not the one on facebook). They look happy. I think they are entertaining themselves by kicking that round thing around. Seems interesting. Can I play that game? “Yes, you can. Just search for an “application” called “football” in the Facebook search bar, and add it and then use your keyboard to run and kick that round thing around” says the bot. No, Mr Bot, can I actually kick that round thing around? The bot says, “You most certainly cannot. It’s blasphemous. If you wanna entertain yourself, use these “applications”. Here’s a link, this will take you someplace that lists all the entertainment “applications”.”

I’m getting annoyed now. No, this is not what I wanna do. THIS IS MADNESS!!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

I’m floating in mid-air

Mind and body at ease

Where am I? I’m still not aware

Now I’m going higher

Away from the calm sea below

Am I’m still going higher

But where exactly? I really don’t know

Now everything around looks white and gray

I must be in the clouds

Which probably is real far away

From the sea below which the clouds now shroud

Am I in paradise?

But then I must be dead

How did I meet my demise

If I really am dead?

I seem to be alone here

Is someone watching me?

But who is this spying seer

Who I cannot see?

****! My head hurts

Maybe it’s because I’m so confused

Show me your face you ******* pervert

And help me outta this state bemused

Shit! I’m falling down now

Back to the sea below

Gravity suddenly seems to have remembered somehow

That I’m not a feather or a flake of snow

**** you gravity!

I don’t wanna come down

Below to the deep blue sea

For I fear I may drown

But I’m still falling

Down towards the sea

Gravity doesn’t seem to be listening

To my desperate plea

I close my eyes

As I try to stop my descension

Through the turbulent skies

Towards an equally turbulent ocean

Ouch! My body ******* aches

I must’ve hit the water

I open my eyes to find myself lying awake

On the bed which was once my daughter’s

I’ve returned to the real world

This is where I dwell

But I hate this world

My life here is hell

Once upon a time

I was a happy man

Leading a life sublime

Until my tryst with heroin began

I remember the first time

I tried it with a friend

Back then, I was in my prime

A young man trying to follow the latest trend

It was a great feeling

Of euphoria and of joy

That was the beginning

Of an addiction that would destroy

The crystalline white powder

Became my life

My refuge and shelter

Essential for me to survive

It originated in Afghan poppy fields

And found its way to my veins

Travelling thousands of miles through smugglers and peddlers

All the way to my brain

Soon, I lost my job and my family

Money and whatever I had

My wife and daughter hated me

Because of an addiction that had driven me mad

I loved them

My daughter and my wife

But my addiction condemned

Them to leave me and my life

I tried kicking the habit

But life without smack was hellish

I would writhe in pain if I didn’t have a hit

Just like sans water a fish

I survived each dose

But needed another to survive in turn

Heroin made life less painful and morose

But now it was something impossible for me to spurn

I sold everything

To fuel my addiction

And now I’m left with nothing

Except for a life of affliction

There’s no way outta this hell

It’s too late to go back

My only escape

Is another dose of smack.

The crackdown on drunk driving has definitely made the Mumbai roads safer. But the traffic police are taking the enthusiasm a bit too far, and are implementing a ban on music in cars across the city. They believe this will prevent drivers from getting distracted while driving, and will thus reduce road accidents.

An excerpt from the Mid Day (26/08/08): Deputy Commissioner of Police (Traffic, Suburban) S M Sabde said, “Talking on the mobile phone while driving distracts the driver. As does listening to music.” He added that those guilty of playing music in a car will be fined Rs 500 under Section 190 (2) of the Motor Vehicles Act, which deals with violation of standards of road safety, control of noise and air pollution. Why did the cops suddenly decide to crack down on music? “The law always existed. All we are doing is follow it seriously, to prevent losing innocent lives. I have already instructed traffic policemen in my jurisdiction (Mahim to Dahisar) to be extra cautious about such violators. We will come down heavily on them in the coming days,” Sabde reiterated.

Agreed that there should be a fine on loud music in vehicles. But a complete ban on music? It may in fact worsen the problem. I think we all agree that driving on the roads in nearly every major city in India is a stressful and pissing off activity during peak hours. Music is obviously the only way out. From now on the phenomenon of road rage, mostly limited to games like Burnout and Need for Speed, will be something commonly seen on the Mumbai roads.

Those in the radio business will definitely be affected. Radio stations connect these poor souls stuck in cars that are in turn stuck in traffic jams to the world outside that of long rows of vehicles, most of them having pissed off, irritated drivers at the wheel with a chronic habit of honking furiously and swearing at other drivers.

And I fail to understand, how exactly are the traffic cops supposed to distinguish between those cars that have music playing in them from the ones that don’t? Surely, it is impossible to do so unless the music is either very loud or the cop decides to stop the car and check if the guy inside is “distracting” himself with music. Or in extreme cases, such vehicles are identifiable if any of the occupants of the vehicle are seen making weird gyrating movements (imitations of Pappu Cant Dance and Dard-e-Disco are also classified as weird gyrating movements). If the occupant in question is a passenger, the cop is required to verify whether or not it is a personal media device that the music is being played out of. And if it is a personal media device, it has to be verified if the music is being listened to with a pair of headphones thereby not causing any “distraction” to the driver.

I really don’t think betel-chewing beedi-smoking traffic cops would fancy going through the above process for the sake of traffic rules. I predict that to eliminate the lengthy process described above, the next thing that will be banned by the Mumbai Traffic Police will be car stereos and decks. The Traffic Police Dept needs to understand that if there are not enough hats to go around, the problem isn’t solved by lopping off some heads.

Yours Ludicrously

The following is a news article that focuses on the poor treatment of our freedom fighters, published by the Press Trust of India:

Freedom fighter lives life of neglect and penury

Ruby Nanda
New Delhi, Aug 24 (PTI)

She is a freedom fighter who is fighting another battle — the battle for survival.

Laxmi Panda of Orissa’s Koraput district, who joined the Indian National Army in Burma and fought against the British, is caught in abject poverty and had to work as a maid servant, a shop attendant and a daily labourer.

Panda (84) was here last week to air her grievances before President Pratibha Patil who assured her all possible support from the government.

The freedom fighter has been abandoned by her son and also by the government. She has been running from pillar to post for her freedom fighter pension.

The state government recognises Laxmi as a freedom fighter and gives a paltry pension of Rs 1,000. But the Centre has denied Panda, who fought alongside stalwarts like Captain Laxmi Sehgal, the status of freedom fighter just because she was not arrested by the British.

“Had she been arrested by the British and got a police record, she could have got a pension of Rs 15,000 per month, enough to sustain herself,” says Anil Dhir, a researcher on INA.

Till recently, the octogenarian was sharing a hut with her “drunkard” son who threw her out, leaving her homeless. Once Panda had decided to end her life by immolating herself wrapped in the national flag.

But a positive response by the President, Prime Minister’s Office and Congress president Sonia Gandhi has enthused the frail lady to live on, said Dhir, who is instrumental in tracking her down.

(Click here to view original page)

Disgusting, shameful, disgraceful and shocking. It is often said that India’s youth is not as patriotic as a few generations ago. But who is to blame: the youth itself, or the government that neglects those who put their lives on the line for the country?

Yours Ludicrously

The latest rumor in the India political sphere: the Congress is sporting Rahul Gandhi as its next candidate for the post of PM. Even though it is too early to confirm the rumors, it is quite obvious that Rahul Gandhi is suddenly a major player in the Congress. With the General elections not very far away, this doesnt seem like just a coincidence.

Until a few months ago, the controlling hand of Sonia Gandhi was usually unseen and discreet. Sonia Gandhi, alongwith son Rahul, is now becoming a more public figure, much in contrast to the earlier approach.

Priya Sahgal of India Today in an article has said, “It seems like 10 Janpath has begun work on Rahul’s leadership profile. If the Congress is to be educated about the nuclear question, then Rahul is a key speaker. When the Government had to send a representative to Beijing, it was not Manmohan Singh but Rahul and Sonia who boarded the plane to China. There he signed an MOU with the Communist Party of China. The mother and son also caught up with PPP Chairman Bilawal Bhutto and built Rajiv Gandhi’s rapport with his mother Benazir.”

I couldn’t agree more with Priya. While most countries send their heads of state, India sent the head of the Congress Party to Beijing.

Another excerpt from the article by Priya Sahgal: “Last month, Sonia had announced two new committees comprising Union ministers and party officials to draft the political strategy for the next polls. As a member of the manifesto committee, Rahul will play a key role in Campaign 2009. He may not be the prime ministerial candidate, but he certainly is the pan-Indian star campaigner. For the young scion, it is party time now.”

The Congress seem to have taken a leaf out of Barack Obama’s book, and are now operating on the principle of iconic leadership. Young Rahul seems to be the perfect poster boy for this kind of an iconic leadership. If the Congress and its allies do manage to win next year’s General election, I think Rahul will surely make the Cabinet list, if not PM.

Rahul is now doing more in the Congress than just going on Garib Yatras and Discover India tours. He gave us a glimpse of his leadership credentials at the recent trust vote, where he was one of the speakers from the UPA. And I admit, I was mighty impressed by his speech which caught the imagination of the rest of the nation as well. Videos of the speech were instant hits on YouTube, with many users expressing their approval of Rahul.

One thing is certain: Rahul will give Mayawati, who is also being touted as a strong contender for the post of PM, a run for her money. At the moment, he seems to be riding a wave of popularity among the young and old of the country alike, whereas Mayawati’s support is mostly limited to her Dalit fan following. The young man seems like a breath of fresh air to Indian politics, which is stereotyped as corrupt and incompetent and run by boring old men and women in a still developing nation. It wouldnt be wrong to call him the Barack Obama of India. But will this wave take him all the way to the ultimate position in the Indian echelons of power: the PM’s chair?

Yours Ludicrously

A happy Independence Day to all Indians. Here’s a poem I wrote on the occasion of our 62nd Independence Day.

At the stroke of the midnight hour
As the world sleeps
India will awake to life and freedom

These were the words he said
The great man Nehru
And pronounced the British Raj dead
As India was born anew.

Two centuries of struggle and sacrifice
And bloodshed and violence
Had been the price
For this independence.

It was at the Red Fort
Where men and women, boys and girls
Erupted into a joyous rapture
As the tricolour unfurled

It was a proud and joyous day
For all Indians, young and old
For after so many years in fray
India was at a new threshold.

Today India stands at par
With the world’s best
She has made it this far
Overcoming every tribulation and test.

Today, 61 years from that day
India stands tall and strong
And I feel proud to say
To this great nation I belong.

E-vatan, tujhsa koi nahin
Duniya mein sirf ek hi Hindustan
Garv ke saath mein yeh kehta hoon
Ki mera Bhaarat mahaan.

Yours Ludicrously

Yesterday, every Indian had a reason to feel proud. Abhinav Bindra won the gold medal in the 10m Air Rifle event at the Olympics and thus became the first Indian to have won an individual Olympic gold medal and the first gold since 1980 (which had been won for hockey).

But isnt it amusing, how a country of a billion until now never managed to win a single Olympic gold or hasnt won a gold since 1980? Its a shameful truth that we as Indians have to face. India had won only four individual medals, none of them gold, since sending their first team to the Summer Games in 1928. Whereas South Korea, a country with a population of about 4% of that of India, and about 30 times smaller, has already won 12 medals at the 2008 Games alone (5 golds, 6 silvers, 1 bronze).

Bindra is being hailed as the country’s most eligible bachelor at the moment. But a few weeks after the end of the Games, and India will forever forget him and his exploits. Who remembers Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore, India’s lone medal winner (silver) in the 2004 Games in Athens? And the eligible bachelors  list will once again be topped by MS Dhoni.

I feel sad to say that most of the sporting talent in our country is ignored in favour of the gentlemen playing the more glamourous game of cricket. I, like all my countrymen, love cricket, but I feel we should give more importance to other sports as well. The Aussies play loads of games, and they are the best at most of them! If the Aussies can be the best at so many sports with a population of just 21,370,000 , we Indians surely can be a better with our population of a billion plus.

The following obituary was inspired by something I saw on MTV yesterday. It paints a sad but true picture of the situation of the so very talented yet ignored sportspersons in our country.

IN FOND MEMORY OF ABHINAV WINNING AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL (11/08/08-12/08/08)

*Even though Abhinav is the first Indian to have won an individual Olympic gold, the media will give Sania Mirza’s skirts and track pants more airtime and space.

*No girl will put up posters of Abhinav on their walls or have a pics of him as their wallpaper or screensaver.

*No one will recognize Abhinav on an Indian street.

*His signature will never become an autograph.

*So what if Abhinav won an Olympic gold, Rohit Sharma will still make more money.

*No one will ever come to iSuperstar and say they want to become Abhinav Bindra.

*Bigg Boss will never invite him to the Bigg Boss villa.

*Abhinav will become an officer on Khatron Ke Khiladi at best. Or Ram Gopal Varma may approach him for a gangster film (and he probably wont pay him for it!). He cant hope for more than that.

*The Abhinav Bindra fanclub on Facebook has just 611 members. And how many Indians are there on Facebook? Certainly a whole lot more than 611.

*Harman Baweja will still be more well known that Abhinav.

*Abhinav will never be able to have KOFFEE WITH KARAN.

*Rakhi Sawant will never feature Abhinav on THE RAKHI SAWANT SHOW.

*Asha Bhosle may call Brett Lee to India to do another album, but she certainly would never consider to have anything to do with Abhinav.

*The Indian media would consider Ishmeet’s death a bigger loss than that of Abhinav and would certainly give Ishmeet more airtime than Abhinav.

*People will be able to recognize Sachin Tendulkar’s kid and would know all about him, but would probably not even be able to recall Abhinav’s name properly.

*Reebok will never sign Abhinav or would never start a signature Abhinav line of sportswear.

*Any videos of Abhinav (on youtube) in his winning moment  will never even come close to having the same number of views or hits as the video of Mika kissing Rakhi Sawant or Kareena and Shahid’s kiss.

It is indeed sad that Abhinav will probably never become a face that Indians all over the world would recognize (atleast unless we change the way we treat our sportspersons). I am proud of you Abhinav. India is fortunate to have great men and women like you. If we continue to disregard these talented citizens, it wont be long before our sportspersons, like our IT geniuses, get brain drained and we lose them to countries that actually value their talent.

Yours Ludicrously

A poem I wrote, based on a dream I once had.

Once Upon a Stormy Night

A rainy night
A deserted street
No one in sight
In the dark retreat.

The distant rumbling thunder
The croaking crickets
The only sounds that sundered
The rain’s monotonous racket.

Suddenly, a movement in the distance
A cat’s purr
An owl’s hooting askance
All at the same instance occurred.

Gradual illumination of the dark street
By a pair of emerging headlights
Like a phantom covering a regular beat
Impervious to the stormy night.

A car announced its arrival
With a screeching halt
The owl hooted its disapproval
As a man stepped out onto the asphalt.

This stout man, who was expensively dressed
And wore shoes of patented leather
Swore out loudly in disgust and detest
As he realized his apparel would be ruined by the weather.

He saw a figure emerge out of the darkness
Steadily walking towards him
The owl, surprised by the new arrival’s abruptness
Hooted again loudly in an expression of its whim.

He seemed appropriately dressed for the weather
As if he had been waiting
In a large trench coat and boots of water resistant leather
In anticipation of this meeting.

The stout man cried out
“Sir, a flat has crippled my car
Please do help me out
You’re my only hope, the nearest help is much too far”.

The other man replied,
“Yes, I will help you
But let there be no lies
I shot at your tire and caused the flat that you now wish to subdue”.

The stout man
As his puzzled expression showed
Did not seem to understand
That he would not go further down the road.

The trench coated man added
“Someone has signed your death warrant
And hired me to execute the deed
At this chosen place, in this torrent”.

And then, he drew a Beretta semi automatic handgun
Fired two shots in quick succession
And the job was done
With a professional killer’s precision.

The man fell down, lifeless
Blood oozing out of his forehead
He lay there, hapless
On the dark stretch of blacktop: his deathbed.

The owl hooted, much louder this time
The only witness to this perfect crime.
The assassin turned away from the bloody mess
And disappeared into the darkness.

Yours Ludicrously

This post may be taken as a sort of continuation to varun’s post titled “The Aarushi TRP joke!“.

The media as we know it today, seems to have a chronic disease of drawing its own conclusions before the authorities themselves. As varun rightly pointed out with reference to the Aarushi-Hemraj double murder, for the media it is no longer about bringing out the truth but about selling their story to the public. If it really was about bringing out the truth for the media, why is it that out of the countless murders that take place in our country of a billion the media chooses to glorify few odd ones which they think will get them the best ratings on television?

I shudder to think of the trauma the innocent father, Dr Rajesh Talwar, probably had to face when he was initially indicted by the UP police. And after he was declared innocent and released by the CBI, the media still did not leave him in peace. Scenes of scores of media persons crowding around Dr Talwar and his family after his release were splashed across every newspaper in the country and telecast across every news channel. Even a revenge-seeking ghost is not capable of haunting a person the way the Indian media does. Not just outside the Dasna jail where Dr Talwar had been held captive, the media went to the extent of frenzying around Dr Talwar’s home to seek him for questioning after his release.

This isnt the first time that our country has witnessed the disgusting acts of a media desperate to earn better ratings. It was almost two decades ago when our then Prime Minister the late Mr Rajiv Gandhi was the scapegoat that the media choose to perform its halal on. Mr Gandhi was accused of receiving kickbacks from Bofors AB for winning a bid to supply India’s 155 mm field howitzer. Later in 2004, he was declared innocent by the Delhi High Court. Unfortunately Mr Gandhi did not live long enough to see the day justice was granted to him. As usual the Indian media glorified the Bofors scandal and portrayed an innocent and honourable man as the villain behind a nefarious scheme he was never a part of.

Countless Indian celebrities have been part of embarrassing MMS scandals, all thanks to the media. Are clips of Kareena Kapoor sharing a kiss with Shahid Kapur or nude clips of Preity Zinta and Sania Mirza so necessary for the country to see that the media has been granted a license to invade their privacy or anyone’s privacy for that matter? That is what the media people seem to think.

Not just clips of well known personalities in their private moments, the media (and this is not just restricted to the Indian media) have not spared dying men even. When ex Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was put to the gallows, his final moments were captured on a cell phone camera, and as usual media all over the world aired this clip, uploaded it for everyone to see and printed screenshots of it in newspapers and tabloids. And the consequences? Civil and sectarian violence in many parts of the world. Kids as young as 10 years old committed accidental suicide trying to imitate the actions in the clip.

It may be argued that it is because of media that we are constantly updated with news and information from happenings across the world. What sort of information? Lies that serve personal agendas? Or useless half truths about celebrities? And how often is it that good incidents get more air time/space than all the negative things the media seems to be obsessed with showing? Skepticism seems to be the order of the day for the media. Ex US president Lyndon Johnson once rightly quoted, “If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.’”

As varun rightly said in the above mentioned post, “If this is freedom of expression, we don’t need it! Please don’t give this in the hands of people who don’t know how to use it.”

Freedom should be balanced with responsibility. I think a 5 year old can exhibit more responsibility than today’s media. Because in the spider web of facts presented by the media, many a truth is strangled. And this strangulation of truth, if not checked, will one day lead to the asphyxiation of civilization itself.

Yours Ludicrously

A poem I’d written sometime in 7th grade (thats about 3 years ago), dedicated to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

One day, my arm resting on my window sill,
I was gazing at the opposite hill.
My window splattered with rain,
Every drop leaving behind a stain.
With clouds rolling,
And rain falling,
The weather stormed,
As a thunderstorm formed.
I looked up at the sky,
Minutes passed by.
The clouds, dark as ever,
Looked like they’d be there forever.
Extremely hard, the wind was blowing,
Its fury, nature was showing.
The wind blew and it blew,
When it would stop, no one knew.
Seeming to go insane,
The wind soon turned into a hurricane.
It destroyed everything in its way,
Signs of it stopping, were kept at bay.
To God, people begged and prayed,
But everything they tried, failed.
Trees were uprooted,
Houses were evacuated.
People fled their homes,
And sought shelter at the Superdome.
Nature, feeling ruthless,
Rendered thousands homeless.
Nature did not seem pleased,
As the wind of destruction had not ceased.
It did not seem to have had its fill,
But everything else came to a standstill.
There was no food to eat or water to drink,
Even though the place looked like a blocked sink.
On the streets people were left dying,
Everyone was in sorrow and crying.
For these Katrina victims, I sincerely pray,
And hope that once again in their lives, they can have something like a good day.

Yours Ludicrously